Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
