Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
