The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
