mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
