i jhust puked up my retainher.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
