just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
