You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
