i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
