im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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