I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You know, be my cock's hype man.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
