Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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