I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
