my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
