I hate all girls vehemently.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
