I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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