you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
