MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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