I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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