whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
