Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize