My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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