he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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