now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize