my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
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