Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Randomize
