Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
