Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
