Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
