when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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