I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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