Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
