How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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