i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
