I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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