take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
