if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Randomize
