i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
