You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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