I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
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