so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
