My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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