I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
She's just so happy...and so naked.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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