and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I think my moral compass just broke
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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