My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
