wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
