A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
