Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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