She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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