The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
