Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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