Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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