12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
