I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
