I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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