ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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