We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
