If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Don't tell me you're on acid again
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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