saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
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