Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
