Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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