You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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