i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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