She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Edward fifth and chaser hands
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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