I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
