Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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