I think I died a long time ago.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
