my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
it was like his penis was on wheels.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
